Thursday, September 11, 2008

It's that pity party funk again!

Okay, so I'm jealous!!! First of all, I am admitting that this is probably my biggest weakness and therefore most of my sinning revolves around this. I don't have the tempatation to do drugs or drink or party or steal or lie or any of that crap. I have the envious kind of crap. There, now that I've said it, I can move on.

Here's the story:
My children have a couple of great friends who started attending a local charter school. After years of watching them succeed and surpass my children in learning, I decided to apply. Now, everyone and their dog, literally has applied to this school. It's a really good school. So, last year I go with another mom and we tour the place and both put in our applications together. (That part is really pointless, but it adds to the pain.) I had also talked to my sister-in-law about this school and she researched it and applied as well. So, here we all are waiting for this school to draw our names (lottery of course, which I suck at, by the way.) The first year we put in our applications, my friend that I turned the application in with gets two of her three kids accepted. So, that means that her third child gets bumped up to a higher priority list to get in. I had pretty much accepted that this wasn't going to happen for us. So, this year comes around and just this week, my sister-in-law gets a call that her child has been accepted to this school. Now, I know that this has been a hard decision for my sister-in-law because her daughter has been in school since the end of July and has a wonderful teacher and has made lots of new friends. And, I am happy for this opportunity my niece has. The problem is that I am also jealous! Extremely jealous. I am the one that told my sister-in-law about the school. I am the one that helped talk the other mom into it. And, their kids get to reap the benefits while my kids are stuck with crap. It just doesn't seem fair. Now, obviously I recognize that it wasn't meant to be for my kids. I know that if it was, it would have happened but I can't help feeling sad for them. I think it sucks that they have to go through this life with divorced parents, without a home to call their own, with "you know what else I'm talking about..." and a subpar education. Now, why do I say subpar you ask? I say that only because I am sick of our school wasting time. I am sick of crappy teachers that you can't do anything about. (They aren't all crappy, I'm not saying that. But, we have had our share.) I am sick of kids being overlooked. I am sick of hearing that my child watched a 2 hour Disney movie during a regular school day. I am sick of the principal not doing anything she promises to do.
Most of all, I am sick of being jealous. Most of you that know me, know that I like to throw pity parties for myself. I am easily discouraged and feel defeated quickly. It's hard for me to go through life with a smile on my face always pretending that everything is okay when it really isn't! It's hard for me to think about the sacrifices that we've made as a family for a future that was never going to happen. It's just hard for me to be positive.

So, now that I have let it all out, maybe I can move on. I know what I need to do to get past this. I just need to do it. Gratitude always helps me get out of my pity party funk so I will leave you with a quote on gratitude that I'm sure was written just for me!

"Gratitude expressed to our Heavenly Father in prayer for what we have brings a calming peace—a peace which allows us to not canker our souls for what we don’t have. Gratitude brings a peace that helps us overcome the pain of adversity and failure. Gratitude on a daily basis means we express appreciation for what we have now without qualification for what we had in the past or desire in the future. A recognition of and appreciation for our gifts and talents which have been given also allows us to acknowledge the need for help and assistance from the gifts and talents possessed by others."
--Robert D. Hales, "Gratitude for the Goodness of God", Ensign, May 1992, 63


Jill Johnson said...

Guees What? You are toatally entitled to be jealous. I am you. My name never gets drawn. I never end up on the good end of anything. I was thinking about that future of yours that is never going to happen the other day. I am sorry about that. Just think there could be a future better than that out there. You deserve it Larrissa. Some day, Huh?

Keli said...

"A future that was never going to happen". Ouch, that hurts. I totally don't blame you for your rant. Public education is never easy. But really, honestly, truly, there has to be some reason for your kids to stay where they are. Maybe they need that one sure thing, or maybe there is a friend yet to come, or a teacher that will make all the difference. Or maybe they are the ones that will make the difference to someone. We all know things like this aren't easy, but know that it is the way it should be. Hang in there. Love ya!

Was that preachy or bitchy? If it was, it wasn't meant to be. I'm usually only that way in person, not on blogs.

Larissa said...

Thanks guys. Not preachy or bitchy. Uplifting. I know you're right.

Summer said...

I love you Riss! I am grateful to have you as my sister.

Chamberlee said...

I am sorry Larissa. Thank you for sharing the information about the school and I agree their must be a reason for all of this...I love you and I know things will get better.

Jacob said...

Nothing bothers me more than when people say "It wasn't meant to be ...because..." What a load of crap. All you have to do is keep trying and try more and try harder and you can get whatever it is that you want .... I am a big believer in relying on faith only after you have EXHAUSTED all of the works .... just keep trying ... apply to 10 charter schools next year, call your principal out on her failure to follow through on promises, and take your kids teachers by the horns and make sure that they understand what you expect from them. Be proactive! Passive sucks ... all you end up with is the left over crap in life.

Larissa said...

Actually, you don't always get "whatever it is that you want" sometimes no matter how hard you work at things. Trust me...I am living proof of this one.

And, I still stand by my "wasn't meant to be" comment. I believe that.

I'll clarify my thinking in another post. Just because I want to for posterity.