Saturday, April 4, 2009

Again

A few weeks ago, I was awakened on a Sunday morning to this song titled "Again". I laid there and sobbed. This song spoke to me. It was so on point with what I am going through and it was about the things my other divorced friends are going through. My friends and I have been finding songs for each other to lift us up and help us move on. I was preparing this post as a dedication to my friends with this specific song and I wanted to attach the song to it before I posted, but I was having trouble doing it for weeks and weeks. I swear I tried everything. Finally, something huge and upsetting happened to me and then I re-visited this post and it all made sense. Now, I understand why I was to wait to post this until now.

I had no idea that last week would be one of the most shocking and upsetting weeks I have ever endured. I have been betrayed by a friend (that I have known for years) in a way that no one should have to. I was accused of hurtful things that are horribly disgusting and entirely untrue. I feel like she has ruined a long time friendship for things that are only assumed and lack any foundation. My heart aches because of the loss of someone I really thought cared as well as the attack on me personally.

As I reverted back to this post, I realized that I was being prepared for this moment. I thought I had already dealt with the worst of the judging and ridicule, but I hadn't, and the Lord knew that I wasn't finished. My family, friends, my faith and love for the Lord as well as his love for me has helped me through this awful pain. This post is dedicated to my friends and others who have to deal with this stuff. It's awful...and if you are judging others in this situation, please don't. You have no idea what is going on and you have no right to judge them. I have another friend who judged single people all the time and made rude comments about them and assumptions as to why they weren't married yet and then came the humbling experience...her husband shocked her with the news that he was cheating on her and was planning to marry the mistress. She is now single and enduring all the pain that goes along with it. (Being without your children, being unaware of anything that goes on in the "other" half of their life, not being able to comfort them when they are sick, going weeks without them.) It's like nothing you could ever imagine. Your heart aches and the pain never goes away. It isn't easy and it isn't fun and it isn't the choice that any of us planned on. It often happens simply by chance. So, don't think you are immune. Don't think you are too good or too worthy for it to happen. It happens to the best of us. And now to my original dedicatory post....

This is to all my friends who have had to go through the loss of a spouse either by death or divorce and have had to endure the ridicule and judgment of others who can not even begin to empathize. Some mean well, while others are just plain hurtful. This is for those times when we need help hanging on, when we seek a little peace, when our hearts have had enough, when we've given our all and we need that reassurance that we can and will make it.

My wish is that we can always remember there is one who understands more than anyone else, one who truly knows what we have gone through and are going through and we can trust in Him to lead us on the right path as we start over again. The one that we can seek refuge from the constant storms of those with mere mortal understanding - those who may never understand what price we have to pay. My wish for them is that they never have to...

Again

by: Jessie Clark Funk

I've wrestled with demons and darkness. I've wrestled with what has been lost.
I carry this crushing weight on my shoulders and try not to think of the cost.
It's more than a single decision. It's giving a part of myself.
It's something I simply can't do on my own so I'm pleading with you for your help.

Chorus:

Again and again I've asked myself why? I don't think that I have any tears left to cry.
My soul is so tired, I'm longing for rest. I'm giving my all and I'm doing my best.
It hurts to move on from the place I am in. But, you understand where I've been.
You reassure me it's time to start over again.

I'm finally ready to listen. I'm finally ready to hear.
Struggling to get to a place you can reach me. Where peace can speak louder than fear.
I can't see the end of the story. There's no way to know how it ends.
For now I let go and I trust you to lead me and show my heart where to begin.

Chorus

All of the pain and confusion I'm going through. I'm turning it over to you.
Willing to trust, it's the right thing to do.
Chorus

4 comments:

Kelli said...

Thanks Larissa! You never know what other people are going through or what lies ahead of you. Right now I am struggling with things I wasn't prepared for, it may not be a divorce or loss of a spouse. We just need to be supportive of others. Thanks and I hope you are doing Okay!

Larissa said...

Thanks Kelli. You're right. Everyone goes through struggles and those struggles are really hard. We all need to support and lift each other up. I hope you found the song as inspiring and uplifting as I did.

Joby, Julie, and Cru said...

You are a degraaff Larissa, which means your super awesome. But even super awesome people have to endure miserable people. Being an awesome person myself, I know this to be true. heh. I do know how it feels to have people, you thought were your greatest friends, turn on you. Its completely painful. From this I have learned to not expect anything from anyone. Luckily we have wonderful families to build us up and give us strength.
P.S. If I see that girl I will punch her in the face.

Keli said...

Isn't being a grown up the worst some times? I'm so sorry that you were betrayed. Friends can be so hard to find, and when they turn on you, it's more hurtful than never having friends at all. I am dealing with so many things that I never thought I would have to deal with, and things I always judged other people for, and now I wish I had never said a word! Hang in there! I know you will make it!